You can stop looking for Day 1. It isn’t here. I didn’t write it. In fact, it never once occurred to me to write it. Day 2-3 are pretty much a blur. Ok, except for certain details, Days 2-11 are mostly blurs. I saw the edge of the pit on Day 12, but I was pulled back the next day with more work to be done. Those are the best days - when I’m too busy to think. Days 13-18 I had a purpose. Since Day 19, I have just been wondering around, unsure what to do or feel.
I have all these feelings inside with nobody to talk to. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling.
I saw a post on social media a while back about crises and trauma. In the analogy, a pebble is thrown into water to symbolize the crisis, and the rings that begin to ripple around it are all the people effected by the crisis. Those in the center rings are the people primarily involved, working outwards to those only peripherally effected. The point of the post was to say that we are supposed to support the people in the rings more closely related to the crisis than ours and go to people in the rings more removed than us to support us.
In this, my number one Go-To person is in the center ring. Not only can I not talk to her, obviously, but I also feel uncomfortable talking to mutual contacts who are in rings further out than mine because my personal loss in this is so insignificant compared to the heart-crushing, gut-wrenching loss she is going through right now that I want all focus to be on her. As it should be. Honestly, I think a part of the pain I’m feeling is a little overflow that her broken heart can’t contain. All I think about is how to help the survivors.
